How to Totally Brain Sailing in Croatia

Please find herewith your definitive, fool-proof guide to totally braining a sailing holiday in Croatia.

Step 1. Select your vessel with care. Do you want to burn a lot of fossil fuels, eat food you could get anywhere and pump handbag house from your massive soundsystem and generally be obnoxious? Then you will be looking for a stinkboat or a catamaran and probably a pirate flag or dancing pole on the deck or something like that to go with it. For the comfort and enjoyment of others, please stop reading here, this guide is not meant for you.

As for the rest, a 44ft Bavaria like Tryphosa, or a 50ft Beneteau will do just nicely.

Step 2. Assemble a top-shelf crew.

Step 3. Have a solid plan.

Step 4. Be willing to diverge from it in order to avoid inclement weather and the sorts of people described in Step 1. If you do, your trip will be awesome.

Saturday - Motor from Trogir to charming Maslinica on Šolta. Secure a rockstar table for dinner.

Sunday - Get the sails up from Maslinica to Komiža on Vis. Anchor for a swim but decide against staying the night because of the hectic 'green shorts' and swell. If you see these guys, move on.

Motor to a tiny fishing village (pop. 30) on the nearby island of Biševo for the night. Have amazing dinner of white bean and sausage soup and Karlovačko with the whole town.

Sip red wine under the stars (with star goggles, of course) at the rustic hilltop terrace bar which is piping Leonard Cohen and only Leonard Cohen into the silent night.

Monday - Arrive at the Blue Grotto before 8am to avoid the park rangers and crowds. Take the tender into the cave for a sneaky swim in the amazing iridescent blue water, you'll have the cave all to yourself. Later we're told you're not allowed to swim because its a nesting spot for sharks, so maybe watch that. Sail back to Komiža for lunch (wood-fired pizza at Karijola, amazing!!) and drop the outboard for repairs (not-so-amazing). Walk along the peninsula to Kut, shop for hand-crafted leathergoods and take a dip in the crystal clear waters along the way. Push on to Rukavac, Vis for the night. Amazing alfresco dinner at Konoba Roki's.

Tuesday - Head to Vis town to collect our outboard and take a quick swim. A full day's sail from Vis to Palmižana on the beautiful island of Sveta Klement, part of an archipelago of islands called the Pakleni Otoci. Rockstar entrance on the tender to the impossibly cool 'treehouse' bar for pre-dinner cocktails. Later, walk through the pine forest to the other side of the island for drinks, gelati and the live reggae-on-the-ukelele band. Get an early night in preparation for our assault on Hvar. 15 berths at the port of Hvar town, about 15 million boats competing for a spot and we must get one. Brains and brawn are required to conquer this.

Wednesday - Palmižana to Hvar. Secure rockstar berth through a mixture of skill and cunning. Some do's: sending a tender in to mind your spot; defensive positioning; sweet-talk and flashing some side-boob to the old seadog port master; chit-chat in Croatian; having a sailing yacht over 40ft. Some don'ts: show up sinking cans at 11am; having a stinkboat worth less than $10M or a sailing yacht under 40ft; taking no for an answer.

These were our neighbours.

After lunch, hire a car and take the unpaved road to Sveta Nedjelja via a magical swim spot.

Late lunch at Bilo Idro and explore the remote hilltop town and vineyards behind. Head back to Hvar via a roadside stall selling lavender products, condiments and rakija (flavoured brandy). The carob flavoured rakija (Rogačica)

will make you actually like carob.

Croatian tapas at Konoba Menago followed by drinks at Kiva and dancing at Veneranda, a club in a 500-odd year old Venetian hilltop castle. You're rockstars, so obviously you take the party back to the boat. Its party-Tryphosa-non-stop bloody.

Thursday - Feeling like death, head to a bay near Stari Grad on the north-western part of Hvar. It was probably beautiful but I can't remember because I was too hung. Head to a tiny bay, Lučica (coordinates +43° 21' 15.58", +16° 22' 22.56") for the night. Another memorable rustic meal at a village Konoba, and early to bed for all.

Friday - Lučica to swimming spot south of Stomorska on Šolta where are find the clearest turquoise waters yet and lick rock sea salt off, well, rocks.